I read an article recently by Richard Louv about children and fear where Bethe Almeras uses the term "Hummingbird Parent" ( http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/people-in-nature/201012/hummingbird-parents-seven-actions-parents-can-take-reduce-risk-and-stil). She writes, "I tend to stay physically distant to let them explore and problem solve, but zoom in at moments when safety is an issue (which isn't very often)." Now that I've been a parent for 6 years (technically 9 years if I count my years as a step-parent), I've had plenty of time to reflect and decide what "kind" of parent I am. There are parents that believe in total freedom but overlooking safety and parents on the other end of the spectrum that worry and control every move their children make, surrounding them with fear (sometimes referred to as "helicopter parents"). I'd like to think I fall somewhere in the middle and "Hummingbird" sounds about right. I am always present and always in Luis' sight but he is free to explore and challenge himself when he feels ready to. When I am worried that he is putting himself in a situation that is dangerous I often join him or show him and point out the dangers along the way. For example, Luis loves to climb trees, rocks and anything else within his comfort zone. When we are at a new park or hiking a new trail I will go with him and show him how to do it safely. I make sure his shoes are not slippery on the bottom, I make sure he has a way to get down and I stand close by the first time he tries something. I would rather teach him and show him how to climb a rock safely than forbid him to do it. I'd rather show him what poison oak looks like and answer his questions about what happens if we touch it, than forbid him to explore nature. Lately he has been asking about mountain lions and bears. We have been talking about going camping a lot lately and he understands that we will be in the mountains. We found a video on youtube that talks about what to do if we ever encounter a wild animal such as a mountain lion.
After 6 years of watching him, starting with Gymnastics when he was 2, I am confident in his ability to judge and assess his environment. I have seen him decide not to do something because he feels it is too high and I have seen him decide not to do something because he feels he isn't ready and needs more practice. I never push him when he feels nervous or make him feel bad for not trying something new. I trust that he will let me know when he is ready to try something.
So, that being said, what prompted me to express how I parent my son when it comes to fear and freedom (especially with regards to the outdoors)? Probably these comments I've been hearing a lot lately at a few different parks. And believe it or not I have a picture to go with each time another mom spoke near Luis saying these things:
"Be careful, don't hurt yourself."
"You're making me nervous."
"Where is that boy's mother?" ( I actually laugh about this one because I'm usually right next to them but they are probably looking for a Mexican lady, LOL)
"______don't do what he just did." (I get this one the most, especially when he jumps off of his swing seat)
Luckily Luis is oblivious to all of these fear messages and just goes about his joyful day climbing, swinging and jumping off of things.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand when another parent gets startled or feels uneasy when Luis does certain things near them and I usually find a way to put their mind at ease and share that I am aware of what he is doing and I have seen him in this situation many times. I tell them that I understand how it might look but he is very capable and thank them for their concern.
You rock, Mama <3 You are a total hummingbird mama, and Luis is so lucky to have a mama who has found such a perfect-for-him balance between letting him explore and take risks, while minimizing the actual danger he may encounter :)) Did I already say you rock? :))) You 2 are such a great pair <3
ReplyDeleteBTW, I have heard all of those comments, too, when I was a hummingbird mama with Kass. Noble is much less riskier, so I am not as "in there" with him, but sometimes I hear people tell him that and he looks at them like they are crazy. It's funny to see how he reacts to good intentioned folks who do things so differently from us and the adults he is used to :))
ReplyDeleteI think if you hover around your kid too much, they sense the "fear" and then decide not to do it. When we are camping, Riley pretty much does whatever his heart desires. Hiking, we have showed him how to be safe and to make sure he has his footing, but I think it's more my example then it is telling them "Don't do that!" Great post Tiffany, you are definitely making me think!
ReplyDeleteThanks Vanessa !!
ReplyDeleteDonna, we should do a Kronenfeld/Gonzalez camping trip :-)
Great post! Luis reminds me so much of Livie! She's so fearless. I do admit, it used to make me nervous and make my tummy do a little butterflies when she was younger, but I now know she is very confident in her abilities and knows her capabilities very well. Love the pics as well!!
ReplyDeleteI am reading this book called Free Range Learning: How Homeschooling Changes Everything and they talked about this kid who grew up climbing on everything and anything....and when his parents "let go" of their own fears and let him sign up for rock climbing as a teen, he grew up to be a search and rescue worker :) Everything has a place in our children's live's....even if we can't see it right away :)
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